As a Christian I am amazed at how much a good apology among friends, acquaintances and even adversaries can keep the peace, and even change the course of things headed for disaster.
Randy Pausch, author of the book, The Last Lecture says that "a bad apology is worse than no apology." A bad apology looks like:
"1. ' I'm sorry you feel hurt by what I have done.' (You are not really wanting to put medicine on the wound.)
2. 'I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you've done.' (You really wanting an apology and not asking for one.)"
Dr. Pausch says that he learned the mechanics of making a good apology from his parents, and that it is a three-step process:
"1. 'What I did was wrong.'
2. 'I feel badly that I hurt you.'
3. 'How do I make you feel better?'"
I speak only my opinion and experience here on this matter: To say that as Christians we follow Christ's example of not apologizing is inaccurate at best, and foolish at worst. Christ was perfect. We are not. We need to learn the heart and wisdom of apologies.
I have searched my house for my copy of Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest," and searched the online version and cannot find the quote. Mr. Chambers said something to the effect that
if I have injured Christ's name, I must take the injury to my own name so that Christ's name remain clear. In other words, when others see that I have been wrong and call myself a Christian, I better make it right, but only in light of what Scripture says, not according to my feelings.
It is to my dismay that I am writing on this matter only because I've found myself at the apologizing end more than I would like to admit. But the good news is that the Lord forgives, as have others, and my hope is that these thoughts can save someone unnecessary grief, or a remedy to patch things up with loved ones correctly.
When we really wrong another, even in good conscience or because we are stronger, the end is the same, we've made a mistake. We can tell ourselves our versions of the story ignoring how we affected another, even telling the story in a way that makes it sound as if we were simply standing up for Christ.
But let's be honest, when we're wrong, we need to make things right. Now, at the other end of the spectrum, let's not apologize to seek the favor of others, to insure popularity or financial gain. Let's apologize because it's right, let's do it immediately and humbly. If it's a complex issue, let's take it to the Lord in prayer, asking His wisdom in helping us relay our apology, asking His timing for the apology and above all, asking Him for the right heart.
One last thought, if we talk about our failings to those whom we have not injured while those we've injured [and we know we've injured] are awaiting apology, this is not the same as apologizing. The hard work is looking the one in the eye [or speaking over the phone if it is the best way] who is injured and making amends. We are then better positioned to speak on the matter once we've humbled ourselves, if we need to speak at all.
The Lord forgave us,
He will continue forgiving us as we ask sincerely and humbly, and He will guard us when our humble attempts are rejected by others. He will also teach us to love others despite fractures in relationships so that we may unlatch any baggage that hinders our spiritual race.
Verses for thought, though not exact matches for apologies, they offer some wisdom on the matter. If you have verses to contribute, I would love them in the comments section.
Proverbs 17:9
Proverbs 18:21
Ecclesiastes 10:4
Matthew 5:25
Matthew 12:36
II Corinthians 13:11
I John 4:20
